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Thursday, October 23, 2014
25 Things a woman never wants to hear
We love our boy-toys, but sometimes (by virtue of being
men), they say completely the wrong things.
Between mansplaining and Esquire and poker night with the
bros, there’s a lot of misinformation out there as to what your
girlfriend does(n’t) want to hear. Let’s be clear: There’s a
never a time when we want pet names for our pussy. Good
talk.
Some things, like the above, should rather be put in that
special cabinet of “Things You Don’t Say To Your
Girlfriend,” along with the “Ex-Files.”
Boyfriends everywhere, you guys are awesome, but you could
be doing even better if you just didn’t share every single
thought that runs through your head. Remember, hanging out
with your girlfriend is not a poetry slam.
Here are 25 things you DON’T want to hear your boyfriend
say:
1. WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?
Uh, we’re very well-aware that our friends haven’t arrived
yet, and it’s already midly stressing us out. A better question
is why are you so concerned about it? In these tense
situations, the best thing to do is support us, not make us feel
bad — or worse, suspicious.
2. DID YOU JUST FART?
Please, for the love of G-d, pretend like all you heard was
birds chirping. This is horrifying enough without calling
direct attention to it.
3. I DREAMT ABOUT CHANNING TATUM
LAST NIGHT.
That’s really only okay when we say it. This is one of those
things that gets filed under “Stuff You Don’t Share With Your
Girlfriend,” right next to “chlamydia.”
4. LET’S GO FOR A RUN TOGETHER!
Yeah, and afterwards let’s jump into an ocean full of
hammerhead sharks while voluntarily sawing each other’s big
toes off. That’s what love is all about, right? Doing stuff
together?
5. IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
Use your imagination here. Or don’t. Both raise equal cause
for concern and are guaranteed to freak us out.
6. MY EX WANTS TO MEET FOR COFFEE.
Normally we’re not one for generalizations, but we’re going
to make an exception: any sentence that begins with “My
ex…” and doesn’t end with “was the worst person on the
planet and I hope to never see her again” should be refrained
from admitting aloud to us. In fact, we’d prefer if you never
thought of her, ever.
7. ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES? DO YOU
REALLY NEED THOSE?
Shoes are sacred and are not meant to be understood by the
male species. It’s like how we respect your right to football —
you cannot question that which you do not appreciate. You
have your balls, we have our feet.
8. RAY RICE SEEMS LIKE A REALLY COOL
GUY.
And Chris Brown would make a good wingman? We sincerely
hope that’s a failed attempt at joking.
9. BABE, I THINK IT’S TIME WE ADOPT A
MACROBIOTIC DIET.
Sure, does that mean I can eat cookies only in the closet then?
We’re all for improving our lifestyles and motivating each
other to healthier, as long as it includes some flexibility in our
diets. Let’s first start with baby steps, like ordering vodka on
the rocks.
10. THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIFT, BUT I REALLY
CAN’T ACCEPT THIS.
That’s not how rejecting a gift goes! You’re
supposed to just take it and pretend to use it and then put it someplace you’ll
immediately forget about that will eventually go missing.
Gosh.
11. LET’S WATCH “INDIANA JONES”
TONIGHT!
Okay, great! Right after we watch “27 Dresses” and eat so
much popcorn that we pass out from giving birth to food
babies. You have the best ideas, boo.
12. WHICH GIRL?
If he asks which girl we’re referring to (especially when
we’re on his cell phone), it’s never a good thing. Red flags all
around.
13. WILL YOU MOVE TO NORWAY WITH
ME?
Do they ship the Blueprint cleanse there? Can I get almond
milk?
14. RELAX, CALM DOWN.
Men, you should know by now that saying “relax” when
we’re emotional and heated has the opposite effect. It
diminishes our feelings and makes us feel stupid. Just don’t
go there.
15. YOU WOULD LOOK GREAT IN THE
OUTFIT THAT GIRL IS WEARING.
We know this is code for “that girl is hot.” Stop checking her
out in front of us. We’re totally onto you.
16. I’M RUNNING LATE AGAIN, SORRY.
We’ll just stand here scrolling through Instagram for the
100th time, pretending like we haven’t seen (or heard) this
before. But we aren’t happy about it.
17. MY MOM WANTS TO HAVE ONE-ON-
ONE BRUNCH WITH YOU.
Does that mean we should or should not drink during the
meal? And do we get to call-in any lifelines? The only thing
worse than exclusive quality time with your mother is the
birthday gift she advised you on.
18. OOPS! WRONG HOLE!
UH!?!?! Then which is it?!?!?!
19. WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS THING ON
MY BACK?
We will, but we’d rather not. Cue the skeevies.
20. HOW MANY CHIPS IS THAT?
Way too many for you to keep track. But thank you for trying,
really.
21. WE SHOULD TAKE A FLORAL
ARRANGEMENT CLASS.
This happened. It was weird. And we still feel a little bit
strange writing about it now.
22. IT’S NOT REAL.
In reference to: the diamond, your boner, our love, our
personal work struggles. That one never goes over well. The
struggle is, in fact, very real, guys.
23. SHE’S A GREAT GIRL. YOU SHOULD
GIVE HER A CHANCE.
Yeah? Should we also give covering ourselves in gasoline
and lighting a match a chance, too? Because we’d rather do
that than befriend a girl who wears overalls sans-underneath-
clothes when she comes to visit you.
24. YOU LOOK FINE.
Equally as bad: you look the same. Just make some more
descriptive adjective up, please, and then we’ll never ask you
how we look again… Until tomorrow. Isn’t having a
girlfriend so much fun!?
25. I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING WITH THIS
CONDOM ON.
We can’t hear anything that you’re saying with these earplugs
in, either! Wrap it, or don’t tap it.
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